Discovering Grace - How It All Began
- Moving From Religious Depression To Relationship Freedom
Written by Eileen R. Jacobs
Since my son was less than a year old, he has loved to tinker with gadgets. Being as young as he was, it was hard to convince him that sometimes things didn't work the way he thought they should. As most children do, he'd ignore us and continue trying to make something work by his own effort. Eventually, after much time and frustration, he'd come dragging up to mom or dad and cry, “Fix it...it won't work!”
This was the story of my Christian walk. I thought I understood how Christianity worked. I had watched others, listened to others, and as I grew up, I read books about how to make this gadget called the Christian life work...but it never seemed to work right for me. Like my son, whose answer to broken toys was always a fresh battery, I thought that recharging my faith by going to conferences, praying more, fasting, getting on a Bible reading plan, trying harder to live right, and trusting God more, surely should have fixed it...right???
The sad conclusion to all of my efforts to manifest faith and walk the talk, ended in defeat: nothing more than a broken toy that I kept trying to put new batteries into. I was determined not to fail at my Christian walk, so I kept trying, and then trying some more. Naturally, the harder I tried, the more discouraged I became whenever I failed at living right. Because of my misinformed understanding of how to live the Christian life, I felt utter defeat in every area and it became the constant source of my depression. One minute I thought I had faith that God was for me and that no weapon formed against me would prosper, then when aspects of my life were falling apart, I felt abandoned by God. I was trying so hard to do right and love God, but all the while I was failing at life. This is how the Bible describes the Israelites under the Old Covenant of law and it was an exact representation of my pursuit of righteousness by my own efforts …
"For I testify about them that they have a zeal for God, but not in accordance with knowledge. For not knowing about God's righteousness and seeking to establish their own, they did not subject themselves to the righteousness of God." - Romans 10:2-3
This verse completely described me. Though I was passionate for God and living the good Christian life, I really didn't know much about how the righteousness of God was achieved. I had zeal for sure, but I was living “not in accordance with knowledge…” For most of my life, I was led to believe that my righteousness depended upon my behavior and my obedience to God. I was unaware that God’s righteousness was received by faith. I had been believing all wrong. Due to a combination of simple ignorance, improper teaching, and not seeking the truth out for myself through truly studying the Word, I was convinced that I was doing everything right. However, there was no evidence of right living, right believing or appropriating faith as my life was still a giant mess. It was like my son with his gadgets, thinking he knew how they worked and then thinking the toy was broken when it didn't work like he thought.
My life and my faith in God seemed to be broken and in ruins as far as I was concerned, and I had no answers. Trying harder wasn’t solving anything. Wasn't I a child of God? Why was my marriage unraveling? Why couldn't we pay our bills? Why was our business failing? Why was I experiencing more and more health issues? Why was I constantly being hurt by people who I thought I could trust? What happened to the dreams and visions I thought the Lord had given to me? Why was I so depressed and chronically tired? Is this what life is supposed to be like for the children of God? Clearly, I was looking only at myself with no dependence on God or His Word.
People would tell me that God allows us to suffer to teach us and humble us. Well, I was sick and tired of being humbled and I wanted the suffering to stop. Obviously, I was a slow learner! Some would even say that Christ had to suffer and so we also will suffer in this world. I wasn’t sure what that meant, since the Bible I was reading was saying that I should be reigning in life through Jesus Christ. The reality was that my broken life and my fixation with fixing it was reigning over me.
Though it took me most of my Christian life, I finally came crying to the Lord, “Fix it...it won't work!” It was at that moment that God comforted me and reassured me that He had been with me the whole time. He never leaves His children and He never forsakes us, especially in our time of need. (Hebrews 13:5b-6) You see, God is a gentleman. He will not get in our way or force us to see things His way. It is a lie from the pit of hell that “God helps those who help themselves.” No...no, God helps those who are at the end of themselves! I was at the end of myself and when I cried out to Him, that is when He helped me.
Once I finally cried out for help, God met me with grace and mercy and showed me many of the areas where I had been believing wrong. We can be totally sincere in what we believe, or trust what others in Christian authority might have taught us, and yet still be sincerely wrong in our interpretation. We must be willing to let the Holy Spirit teach us the Word of God the way He meant for it to be understood, and be honest with ourselves if we have misunderstood somewhere along the way. If what we are believing is in error, our lives become open and exposed to the father of all lies who is the great deceiver, that is the devil. But since the devil has been defeated by Jesus at the cross, the only means he has of keeping the believer's life locked up in bondage is through erroneous thinking, misinterpreted doctrine, and his masterful, deceptive lies. The devil has never changed. He misused God's own Word to tempt the very Son of God, and this is the same methodology he uses today to keep believers from experiencing the abundant, fruitful life that Jesus died for them to have.
Now, even though my deep heart’s desire was to serve God faithfully, my ability to produce good fruit for God was locked up because I was not receiving the kind of Bible teaching that sets lives free to produce good fruit. I could see from the Scripture that I should be reigning in life through Christ in me, but I had missed the part that this ability is for those who have “received the abundance of grace and of the gift of righteousness.” (Romans 5:17) Not having a right understanding that God’s righteousness (the power and ability to live right) was to be received, like you receive a gift, had me locked up in a vicious and defeated religious cycle. Think of it like having a kink in your watering hose. The water is turned on at the source. It has the power to flow, to refresh, to bring life and growth, but the kink in the hose is keeping it from getting where it needs to go. The power of God was present within me the whole time, but it was unable to flow into my daily living. All of my incessant trying and self effort was kinking the hose, and the continual flow of God’s righteousness and power to help me live was constricted.
When I finally cried out to God for help, I was a very confused Christian woman. I had just suffered a terrible trial that left me wounded and struggling to cling onto any faith. I felt deserted by many, and unable to trust. By this time, I had heard so many conflicting messages from others about God's Word that I was even beginning to doubt God. I was confused by God's Word, confused by certain Christian teachings, confused by the ungodly behavior of other professing Christians, and confused by the outcome of my own life. The dots were not connecting and therefore, I had determined, that someone had to be wrong and it was time for me to settle on the truth.
I used what little bit of faith I had left to believe that His Holy Spirit was still in me, and I held tightly to that promise. I knew from His Word that He promised to teach us by His Holy Spirit (John 14:26), so I set aside all sermons, books I had been reading about the Christian life, and Bible studies and discipleship groups I had been attending. I got alone with the Lord and asked Him to do as He promised, and be my teacher. So, with my Bible in hand and a few helps like an interlinear Bible and Bible Dictionaries, I depended on the Lord to show Himself to me and to reveal the truth to me. This was my prayer for knowledge:
- To know the true character and nature of my God.
- To know His intimate love for me.
- To see Jesus, His finished work, and His heart on every page.
The Lord was so faithful and as I read His Word and trusted the Holy Spirit as my teacher, I began to see an incredibly loving God, who has loved me long before I was even born. I found out that the “Good News” (ie. The Gospel) really was “good news!” I realized God wasn’t judging me anymore, nor was He remembering my sins (Hebrews 10:14-18), because my sins had all been judged in the body of my Savior Jesus at the cross. I started to see hidden pictures of Jesus all through the Old Testament and aspects of the work that He came to complete. I began to find freedom in the truth of His finished work. By discovering that Jesus had done everything for me, and all I needed to do was believe it and enter His rest, every broken area of my life was beginning to be restored.
I had found the power to forgive those who had hurt me through the past years. I also found out, as I let Jesus be Himself in me, that I did not even have to apply any effort at forgiveness, as it came naturally through beholding Him and letting Him forgive through me. My marriage began to be repaired and was getting stronger because my husband was learning with me, and we were both being set free. We weren’t so worried about money and the other things in life that bring about fear, because we started meditating on the promises of God and believing The Word. Living in divine health became a reality. Everything was changing, yet my only effort was to read and study my Bible. I was seeing more of Jesus in the Word, and as I saw Him, I could see myself in Him and Him living His perfect life through me. The more I discovered Jesus, I discovered a thriving relationship with Him; one I could trust without a doubt. I discovered that righteousness really is His free gift to be received simply by faith, and not something I had to earn or work at. I now know that I don’t have to try to be pleasing to Him, because my faith in Him and His promises is what pleases Him. (Hebrews 11:6) I had finally discovered The Truth that set my life free. When I discovered Jesus, I “Discovered Grace;” and that is what this ministry is all about!
"... grace and truth came by Jesus Christ.” - John 1:17 (KJV)
written by
Eileen R. Jacobs ( June, 2009)
Copyright © 2009 Eileen Jacobs Ministries. All rights reserved.
Addendum 2018:
It has been 10 years since I first penned my testimony and the struggle I had with my Christian life. I can honestly say that I am still “Discovering Grace” every time the Lord reveals something new about Himself to me through His marvelous Word. My Christian life is still a journey with Jesus and learning to “lean not” on my own understanding, but to keep holding the hand of the Holy Spirit as He leads me by faith through this life.
“For I the Lord thy God will hold thy right hand, saying unto thee, Fear not; I will help thee.” - Isaiah 41:13 KJV
I cannot tell you how many times He has calmed my fears simply by His presence and has helped me, even if I slipped into doubt and despair. My life is not perfect, and there are still trials and tribulations that exercise my trust in my gracious and loving Heavenly Father, but I have resolved to believe that what His Word says is absolute and to believe what He says about me in Christ. I am an over-comer! I am triumphant and victorious in Christ! I am the righteousness of God in Christ! I am His child and beloved! Listen to some of these marvelous promises from His Word...
“For whatever is born of God overcomes the world; and this is the victory that has overcome the world...our faith. Who is the one who overcomes the world, but he who believes that Jesus is the Son of God?” - 1 John 5:4-5
“"These things I have spoken to you, so that in Me you may have peace. In the world you have tribulation, but take courage; I have overcome the world." - John 16:33
“But in all these things we overwhelmingly conquer through Him who loved us. For I am convinced that neither death, nor life, nor angels, nor principalities, nor things present, nor things to come, nor powers, nor height, nor depth, nor any other created thing, will be able to separate us from the love of God, which is in Christ Jesus our Lord.” - Romans 8:37-39
“But thanks be to God, who gives us the victory through our Lord Jesus Christ.” - 1 Corinthians 15:57
“He made Him who knew no sin to be sin on our behalf, so that we might become the righteousness of God in Him.” - 2 Corinthians 5:21
“See how great a love the Father has bestowed on us, that we would be called children of God; and such we are. For this reason the world does not know us, because it did not know Him.” - 1 John 3:1
Friend, I hope you have found that no matter how stinky life can get sometimes, having a relationship with Father God and the Lord Jesus Christ through the Holy Spirit’s indwelling, is more than worth it. You will never stop learning as you navigate this life by faith, and it is encouraging to know that we will be “Discovering Grace” (that unearned, undeserved favor of God) every day from now on and throughout our eternal lives, as we discover more and more about our Lord Jesus Christ. If you haven’t yet entered into a relationship with the Lord Jesus Christ and you might like to, may I encourage you to consider reading a couple of helpful articles:
Thank you for reading (or listening to) my testimony. I hope it has encouraged you in your own walk of faith. This website “Discovering Grace” and Eileen Jacobs Ministries are the fruit of the Lord’s revelations to me and my family through His living and abiding Word. There are so many things I’ve learned from my early trials, and being reminded of where I’ve been keeps me encouraged to continue pressing on with the ministry that was birthed in my past. May Jesus be glorified in all that we do and say. Amen!
written by
Eileen R. Jacobs ( 2018)
Copyright © 2018 Eileen Jacobs Ministries. All rights reserved.
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